Marauders Where Are You?
by HappyDappyDrunk
Summary: A parody on Scooby-Doo and various other things. When Lily Evans goes missing, it is up to the Marauders to find her! But what do house elves, Lily's atrocious spelling, and apples have to do with anything? COMPLETED!
1. Kidnapped!

Author's note: 

As I sit here at my computer, sneezing my brains out and hacking up my lungs, I give this story to you. My muse, of course, is Scooby-Doo. Today, I'm allowed to stay home due to the one true evil of all: the common cold. And, as I watched the Scooby-Doo marathon on the Boomerang channel, I was blessed with this crazy idea. So, now I am forming it into words and giving it to you. I hope you enjoy my insanity. Now, please excuse me while I get my shotgun and shoot Davey Jones for singing to the moat monster. One person can take only so much singing. Later. 

H.D.D.

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After another wonderful Halloween feast, all Gryffindors were up in their dorms, stuffed and sluggish, awaiting the soft touch of sleep. All but one. A certain redhead sat in the common room, innocently reading unaware of the danger present. Thunder crashed outside, making the third year jump quite literally out of her chair. She let out a sigh, feeling very silly. 

"Just a storm," she told herself, picking up her book. But it was then she heard the floor creak behind her. Time stopped as she strained her ears to listen. Suddenly, she gave out a little chuckle. 

"I know it's you Potter...You and your friends sneaking out again under that cloak of yours. You can't fool me," the Gryffindor said defiantly. 

No reply. 

"Come on out Potter! Are you afraid of a girl?"

Doubt started to creep into her mind, ensnaring her senses. With each passing beat of silence, it was turning into fear. "James?" 

She stood, turning to face danger. Her eyes widened in shock as her blood ran cold. The darkness came at her, and a scream escaped her lips. 

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Well?


	2. And So the Adventure Begins

A/N: 

OMG. I live. O.o ....I'd say it's about time for an update on this story. Thanks to the few (cough3cough) who reviewed. I hope many more of you follow in their footsteps. 

Hope you enjoy this chapter... It was hell just to get the words out. Ohh. 3:32 AM...time to try and get some shut eye! 

Cheers, 

H.D.D. ------------------------------------------ 

A scream pierced through James's dreams, causing him to wake and wonder what happened to the snitch and cheering fans. Suddenly, his bed hangings flew apart, revealing an out of focus Remus Lupin.  
  
"Did you hear that?" he asked his bleary-eyed friend.  
  
"I'm not deaf," James snapped, reaching over to the nightstand and grabbing his glasses. As he did, a piece of parchment slipped off the surface, gliding down to the floor. "What's that?"  
  
Remus shrugged, bending down to pick it up. He quickly scanned over the paper, a frown tightening his lips.  
  
"What does it say?" James asked, curiously scooting closer to Remus and the parchment.  
  
"It says, '_Dearest James_-'"  
  
James tugged at the paper. "It doesn't say that!"  
  
"Yes it does! Right here," the werewolf declared, pointing at the opening line of the letter. "Now, may I continue?"  
  
James only nodded.  
  
"As I was saying, '_Dearest James, I have taken her. Soon we will be together... Forever._'" Remus shivered. "Creepy."  
  
"Well, whoever they are, they can't have me! I'm reserved for Evans."  
  
"Yes, tragically you still believe that," Remus said, glancing over the parchment with a sincere look of pity, to which James only scowled. "...'_And now, you will never have to worry about the mean, nasty redsie again._' Redsie?"  
  
James shrugged, giving a clueless look.  
  
"I wonder if they mean... Oh no."  
  
"What?" James asked, teetering forward.  
  
"I think they mean Lily. They kidnapped her... And the scream we heard was-"  
  
"MY ANGEL!" James yelled frantically, springing off his bed and sprinting towards the door. Before he could get there, Remus tackled him.  
  
"Cool it Romeo."  
  
"But what about-" However, James was unable finish, as Sirius' pillow had smacked him upside the head.  
  
"Will you two sods shut it? I'm trying to get my beauty sleep," groaned Sirius, then added for good measure, "Not that I need any."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes, releasing James.  
  
"I HEARD THAT EYE ROLL!" Sirius shouted.  
  
"My, what big ears you have..."  
  
Sitting up, Sirius huffed aloud. "My ears are perfect, thank you very much!"  
  
From the front of the room, James growled in frustration. "Will you two quit bickering? We have to do something about my angel."  
  
Sirius threw a curious glance to James. "What about Evans?"  
  
"She's gone!" he wailed. "The crazy stalker has taken her!"  
  
"Crazy stalker?" Sirius looked to Remus for some sort of explanation, and was quickly handed the note. "Dearest? When has James ever been dear?"  
  
James threw his hands up in the air, storming over to his bed. "That's it! I can't take it! I'm going to go look for Evans."  
  
He pulled a silvery cloak out of his trunk, putting it on and running out of the dormitory.  
  
"We better go after him," Sirius said, stretching with a sigh.  
  
Remus busied himself with waking Peter. "Pete...Peter...Wake up." He gave his pudgy friend a push. "Come on. We have to go rescue Lily."  
  
"...for rwo Rcooby racks..." the boy muttered in his sleep, rolling away from a distressed Remus.  
  
"Give it up, Moony. It's a lost cause."  
  
"I suppose you're right... Besides we better follow before we lose track of James," Remus said, moving away from Peter and towards the door.  
  
"And on the way, we can pick up some apples from the kitchen, I'm famished," Sirius declared. "And maybe some toast too..."  
  
They both left unaware of the big, yellow eyes watching them from the corner of their room. A sinister cackle sounded, and with a snap the eyes disappeared in a wisp of smoke. 

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REVIEW! ...pwease... 


	3. The Black Knight

A/N:

I'm so glad people are enjoying this!!! When I happened to check my e-mail after a while, I saw several REVIEW ALERTs in a row and nearly died of shock. I never imagined so many people would review! ...Not that I'm complaining. By all means, keep it up!

This chapter is randomly written on the spot. I only have a general idea of what I'm going to do, so a lot of it is just random things that amuse me (sometimes...). The last chapter for example, the dialogue seemed so... Stupid to me, but people liked it! I was so happy to hear it.

Well... enough chit chat. On with the sho-ER-fic!

Cheers,

H.D.D.

--------------------------------------------

Thanks to all these who reviewed!!!!

The Chibi-chan:

No toast, Katrina. No. Icky toast.

Silver Ice:

I'm so glad you liked that line. It was one I actually liked. XD

scabbsies:

Thanks! I hope this chapter is still good.

Rial:

The update is a little slow. Sorry. =X

lilchocolatechip011:

It's wonderful that you're enjoying this. Let's just hope I keep Sirius and James that funny...

Evil Asparagus Eater:

That's awesome that you like this, especially if it's a little out your normal genre.

trivial queen:

Thanks. Wonderful ideas come when watching Scooby-Doo and rping with someone as talented as my good ol' bud Katrina!

kat7856:

Glad you like the idea. I do agree, quite mad.

Haunted-Shadows:

I'm usually not too good at funny so I'm happy to hear I'm exceeding!

Hekate101:

Thanks for the review! And here is more...

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There in the dark, shifting passages of Hogwarts was James Potter, invisible to all. He sneaked along the wall, careful to check around each corner for another possible late-night wanderer such as himself. However, his actions were not immoral. He was searching for his Precious. The Precious taken from him. His Precious. His Own.

"..._My Preciousssss_..." he called out into the night.

There was no answer.

"Evans?" he tried.

Still... Nothing.

Frowning to himself, James leaned against a nearby wall, trying to think of where to look next. To his surprise, the wall shifted apart, and he crashed to the ground. Scrambling up, he found himself inside a dark passageway, and turned to find the closing up behind him. Quickly pulling out his wand, he muttered, "_Lumos_."

With a small shrug, James continued down the passage in search for his green-eyed angel.

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"I think we're lost!" Remus groaned.

Sirius grinned madly. "Nonsense dear Moony, I know exactly where I'm going."

"Why can't we just stop and ask one of these portraits if they've seen James?"

"Because, I've already told you... I know where we're going."

Remus pouted, crossing his arms and shaking his head. "We'll never find James this way."

"Ah, but I'm not trying to find James, now am I?"

Remus stopped cold in his tracks. "...You're not? Then who are you trying to find?"

"It is a question of what... The kitchens of course. As I mentioned before, I'm starved," Sirius said pointedly.

Passing a suit of armor, Sirius slowed to quickly examine it, tilting his head to get a better view. He hadn't seen this armor before. All the others looked alike, but this one was black, not silver. Shrugging it away, he continued on, unable to notice a pair of gleaming yellow eyes follow him from inside the armor's helmet. Remus, however, saw the big, glowing eyes, and they saw him.

"SIRIUS!" Remus yelped, pointing in the direction of the armor.

"What is it?" the other boy asked, not bothering to even look back as he walked ahead to the portrait of fruit.

"There's eyes... in the helmet."

Sirius looked over his shoulder to Remus. "Nonsense Moony. Helmet's don't have eyes, even magic ones. You must be seeing things."

Remus slowly nodded, glancing back to the helmet to find the eyes blink.

"Sirius! Sirius!" he shouted, turning to his friend. "Come here! Quick!"

Sirius gave a small sigh, trudging back down the hallway and standing beside Remus. "What is it?"

"L-L-Look!" He pointed in the helmet's direction yet again.

All Sirius could see was an empty helmet. "There's nothing here. Come on, let's go."

"B-B-But-" he stuttered.

"COME ON, Moony," Sirius ordered, walking back down the hall, looking back every now and then to make sure Remus was following.

After tickling the pear, the boys climbed into the kitchen unaware of the clanking sounds following.

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You know the drill... REVIEW!!!


	4. The Chase

A/N:

Wow. I'm actually updating. Amazing, no?

I would be updating some of my various other fics, but I'm in a random mood. :D

A BIG thanks to Katrina for reading most of it first in bits and pieces. I lurv you.

Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Cheers,

H.D.D.

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THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED!!!!!!!!!!! I love you all.

Raifuno Maki: I'm glad I snagged someone's curiosity.

Silver Ice: YAY!... You like it. :D

Saonriyu: You need to update Mayo. glare Now.

lilchocolatechip011: I'm sorry it takes so long for me to update... But school started... And yeah. XP

Summer Carlton: Thanks for the review!

Dark and prone to violence: Yes... The eyes... Should your name scare me? XD

Rhylie: Well... Since I don't feel like including Peter in this... Remus must be Shaggy AND Velma. :D

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This Chapter's Inspiration: Blondie's One Way or Another, which I do not own the rights to. So no sue me. :D

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When the two Marauders entered the kitchen, they were met by a barren sight. There were no exceedingly helpful house elves rushing up to take their orders or steaming pots and pans. It was empty. In the far corner, a tumbleweed rolled by, and an eerie howl followed. At this, Sirius turned and cuffed the back of Remus' head.

"No howling," he snapped.

Remus glared in his direction. "I was merely trying to set the mood."

To this, Sirius just shook his head, walking further into the kitchen and rummaging through the cupboards. Spoons, pots, pointy knives, and various other kitchen utensils went flying over his shoulder, but no apples could be found. Scowling, Sirius backed away.

"What happened to all the food?" Sirius demanded.

Carefully stepping over a butcher knife, Remus shrugged. "The house elves ate it all?"

"Greedy buggers."

CLANK. CLANK.

Remus jumped. "What was that?"

"What was what?" Sirius asked, looking over his shoulder.

"That noise! ...It sounded like-"

"Remus?"

"Yes Sirius?"

"Can suits of armor walk?"

Frowning at the question, Remus gave Sirius a skeptical look. "No... Not normally."

"Then I'm guessing that they shouldn't be able tickle a pear either..."

"What are you talking about-"

CLANK.

Remus turned around, coming face to face with the black knight from the hall. It held the sword it was carrying high above its head, ready to swing.

"Sirius?"

"Yes Remus?"

"Should we run?"

"I think so," Sirius said, taking a few cautious steps backward.

With no further delay, the two Marauders ran toward the door, narrowly missing the wide swing of the knight's sword. Running for their lives down the corridors, Remus and Sirius didn't even think to look back. They could tell the knight was following by the loud CLANK CLANK CLANK.

_One way or another I'm gonna find ya_

_I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha_

_One way or another I'm gonna win ya_

_I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha_

_One way or another I'm gonna see ya_

_I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha_

They ducked into a nearby classroom, breathing heavily and backing up against the far wall. The CLANKing passed, and they both let out a sigh, relaxing slightly until the creak of metal sounded behind them. Turning, they were met with the flash of a silver.

_One way or another I'm gonna lose ya_

_I'm gonna give you the slip, a slip of the lip or another_

_I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna trick ya_

Rushing out of the room, they darted into the hallway. Sirius stopped for a moment, glancing around, then grabbed Remus by the wrist, and pulled him into another room. The knight followed suit. When the boys came to another door, they opened it without question, entering the same hallway, just a few doors down from where they had entered the last room. Looking to their left, they saw the door beside them open, revealing the black knight. Remus gasped loudly, while Sirius pulled him on down the hall.

_One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha, I'll getcha getcha _

_getcha getcha_

Tapping the statue of the one-eyed witch with the end of his wand, Sirius muttered "_Dissendium_" before the two scrambled inside the passage. They heard the knight pass by. When it didn't appear behind them, they finally relaxed. For now, it seemed they would be safe.

"I knew there was something weird about the suit of armor."

"Shut up, Remus."

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There it is. Sorry for cutting the song apart. :D

You know what to do.

**REVIEW** ...I'll love you forever if you do. sweet smile


	5. The Escape?

A/N:

I suppose I should move away from Remus and Sirius for a moment... And back to our dear Redsie.

Let's see where I go with this chapter.

Cheers,

H.D.D.

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To my reviewers...

lilchocolatechip011: Oh. You are evil. ...Hopefully, I'll finish this by the end of October. ...After all... It's been here a loooong time. :D

Gabwr: Thankies.

Loki Mischeif-Maker: Hee hee. Evil laughter is good. Glad you're liking this. And thanks for all your reviews! ...If only you'd add to that IMing the Dead. I really liked that twilight zone feel. uu

The Chibi-chan: -smothers-

Silver Ice: Yes. So good you enjoy this. I only wish to bring people happiness. :D

---

The light was bright, Lily decided, once she came about, and ugly. No, that was the pair of lamp-like yellow eyes and huge, crooked nose dangling above her. She made a face, pulling back and blinking her emerald eyes. Before her stood a short, impish creature dressed in a tea cozy. It was a house elf. She slowly sat up.

"What in the world...?"

The house elf's eyes narrowed. "Mean, nasty redsie."

Lily's mouth opened in surprise. "Are-Are you the-"

"Redsie doesn't deserve beautiful boy," the elf snapped.

"What are you talking about?"

"James should belong to me, not some silly girl."

Lily's features furrowed in displeasure. "I am not just some silly girl! ...And where would you get the idea I _like_ Potter?"

The elf pulled out a crinkled piece of paper. It was dated 12 March, 1972.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today Potter was as erritateing-no-irritateing-no-irritating as usual. He tried to get me to look at him during breakfast, but I ignored him. The git thinks he's so handsum. Just because he has a sweet smile and pretty eyes dosen't mean I'm going to whirship him. Who dose he think he is, any way? I might say here that's he not too bad looking... But that dosen't prove a thing!_

Eyes wide, a blush spread across her cheeks. "How did you get that!" she demanded.

The elf grinned in satisfaction. "Stoles it from under your mattress."

"Why you _little_-!" She lunged forward, tackling the elf, who yelped in surprise. The elf hissed menacingly, fighting back as her hands went for its throat.

"NASSSTY REDSSSIE!!"

Lily silenced it as she repeatedly slapped it with one hand, using the other to keep it down. The elf shrieked, too frightened to do much but struggle.

"TAKE THAT! AND THIS! AND ONES OF THESE!" Lily yelled, continuing to assault the elf.

---

Through the hollow passageway, James heard the most peculiar sounds. It sounded like... No. It couldn't be, could it?

"MY ANGEL!" James shouted, shrugging the cloak off and running towards the noise in much haste.

---

Grinning in triumph, Lily straightened her robes and lifted her dainty nose in the air, giving a slight 'hmph' sound. She looked at the unconscious elf with pride. _Ha_, she thought, _that'll teach anyone to mess with Lillian Evans!_

She stood, backing away from the elf and walking towards the door to the dungeon. With a light laugh, she opened it, stepping out and heading back up to the dormitories.

---

Stumbling through the tapestry covering the passage wall, James looked around wildly, out of breath. "LILY! WHERE ARE YOU MY DARLING ANGEL?"

He panted heavily, walking further into the room. "I'm here to save you!"

Gaze traveling down, he met two, glowing eyes. "Jamesssss."

---

Tee hee. I really got going on this chapter plot wise. :D

What can you expect next? Who knows. ...Well, I sorta know. More Remus and Sirius! -snicker- I can't wait for that. If you're lucky I might start on it tomorrow! Huzzah for the three day weekend!

Don't forget to **review**. I love reading them, and, more than likely, I will return the favor. It's the only nice thing to do.

Until next time.


	6. Follow the Toast Crumb Trail

A/N:

Oooh. This is almost done with. I'm sure Katrina will be able to spot the end! The next chapter might be the last, so I may finish before a whole year on this has passed! Wouldn't that be wonderful? Let's see if I can do it. :D

Thanks to the few who reviewed already!

This chapter is pure insanity. In actuality, Katrina and I did two rps of this. This chapter comes from the return of the house elf obsessed with James. :D

Thanks to Katrina for officially betaing this.

Hmm. Not much else to be said except... LET THERE BE APPLES FOR ALL!

Cheers,

H.D.D.

---

WARNING: This chapter may contain...

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"I think I've found a clue," Remus announced, looking at the light trail on the crimson corridor rug.

Sirius was studying a weird tapestry on the wall. "Doughnuts for you."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Don't you even want to know what the clue is?"

"Not unless it's something edible."

"How about toast crumbs?" Remus suggested.

"TOAST? WHERE?" Sirius looked about franticly, then caught sight of the trail on the floor, declaring, "Logically, this can only lead to more toast!"

"Er... I suppose so. I just found it suspicious because there's no food inside the kitchen and one would have to come to the conclusion that-" Remus suddenly noticed that Sirius had long since run off, following the toast crumb trail. With a shrug, he went after his friend. "Alright then."

Sometime later, they came to the end of the trail, leaving Sirius stumped. The trail ended right before a wall. A wall that did not have toast.

"WHERE'S THE TOAST?" he demanded, glaring at the wall.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "How should I know?"

Sirius paced the hall, trying to find out why there was no toast when a bright red apple rolled to his feet. He looked back at Remus to see if he had noticed the apple, which he had not, then bent down to pick it up. "Hello there little friend..."

The apple rolled just out of reach.

"Hmph," he muttered, walking towards it.

The apple inched forward. Frowning, Sirius tried moving around it. The apple countered him. Next, he tried coming from the left, and the apple rolled right. He tried coming from the right, and it moved to the left.

"Smart little bugger," Sirius observed with a grin. "Oh well... too smart for me..." He turned, pretending to give up, then whirled around, pouncing down upon the fruit. He looked under his hands, finding nothing when he caught something red from the corner of his eye. He lifted his head, spying a small hand holding the apple right in front of him.

"Sirius! What are you doing on the floor?" Remus asked, finally noticing his friend's strange behavior.

Sirius paid him no mind, reaching out for the apple. The hand pulled back, waggling a finger at him with its other hand. "No applesss unless yousss helps me."

Sirius nodded vigorously, eager to agree and get the nice apple.

"Sirius, are you even listening to me?" Remus stepped forward, catching sight of a pair of huge, yellow eyes shrouded in darkness. "SIRIUS! It's the eyes from before! F-From the suit of armor!"

"Helpssss me and gets the niceeee red apple," the strange voice continued, moving the apple back and forth in front of Sirius's gaze. Sirius followed its hypnotic movement.

"SIRIUS!" Remus continued to call, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder and shaking it. "Padfoot! Get away from it!"

The yellow eyes raised to meet Remus's, narrowing. The thing's hand raised, snapping. The next thing he knew, Remus was wrapped tightly in rope and falling to the floor. It's other hand continued to move the apple back and forth in a steady motion. "Now... yous helpsss me?"

Sirius nodded, mouth watering at the apple.

"Good... yous find redsie. Get redsie. Get redsie and yous getssss the nice, red applessss," the thing said in rhythm to the apple.

"Don't listen to it!" Remus shouted back. "It's trying to trick you!"

But Sirius's stomach gurgled loudly, and he knew all hope was lost.

"Gets redsie and bring her to me," the thing said, pausing to toss the apple to Sirius," and yous gets lotsa more nice, red applesss and maybe some nice toasties."

Sirius perked up at the word toast and nodded again, devouring the apple before scampering off down the corridor in search of Lily. With a snap of its fingers, the thing disappeared, back to its dark-haired captive. From the other side of the hall, Remus tried to look around, struggling against the ropes.

"Hello? ...Is anybody there?"

---

Please review! I like to know if people are reading this, and the only way I can tell is if you **review**!


	7. Redsie's Return

A/N:

AHAH. Not quite the last chapter, sorry. :D

But it should be interesting!

Cheers,

H.D.D.

---

Racing through the corridors was a Gryffindor on a mission. He needed toasties, and to get that, he must first find redsie. Then his master would give him nice, red apples and toasties.

"Arf," Sirius barked, sniffing the air and making out the slightest scent of stubborn, lovesick arrogance. No, not redsie. He turned down the next hall, following a new scent. Snobbish, defiant pride with a touch of righteousness. And bingo was his name-o.

"ARF! ARF!" said the boy-dog-minion, running on all fours at top-notch speed. Oh yes, he would get his toasties.

---

James groaned, reaching up to touch the huge lump residing on his, as Evans would put it, 'big, fat head.' He let out a hiss of pain through clenched teeth, then looked about wide-eyed. Where was he? Why was he here? WHERE WAS HIS PRECIOUS?

"Jamesssss," a voice called.

James looked to the front, catching sight of ugliest house-elf he'd ever seen, and, thus, felt the need to vocalize his thoughts. "Oi! Have look at you! ...Face like that makes a goblin look down right homely! 'Uck!"

However, the elf didn't seemed to be bothered by this comment in the least. It cracked a smile, showing mouthful of grimy teeth. "Jamesss! Belongs to me now!"

The boy wrinkled his nose as he caught wind of the elf's breath, but that wasn't what made him gag. "What are you talking about? Belong? To _you_?"

The elf nodded eagerly, replying cheerfully. "Yessss. No more nasty redsie!"

His mouth dropped, whispering at first before shouting in blind rage, "No more Lily? ...YOU'RE T-THE _THING_ THAT SENT THE LETTER! WHERE IS MY ANGEL?"

The elf pulled back in alarm, eyes beginning to water. "B-But Jamessss... Redsie keepsss yous from me! She is nassssty girl!"

"SHE'S MY ANGEL!" he yelled back stubbornly. "Mine! My own! MY PRECIOUS!!"

After a moment, the elf frowned, pushing out its trembling lower lip. "But yous is mine... My dearesssst!"

He shook his head. "NO!"

It took a few minutes for the blow to sink in, and the elf stood there, mouth agape before raising one hand. Its eyes glowed with anger. "YOUS WILL FEEL DIFFERENT ONSSSSE REDSIE GONESSS!"

It snapped and James felt a gag materialize into his mouth as lengths of rope tied him to a chair in the corner.

"Soon, Jamesssss... Soon."

---

Lily whistled as she walked, because soon she would be in her nice, warm bed. Soon, she would be asleep and able to put this whole mess behind her. That was, until, she heard a loud 'ARF' battle cry from behind her and was tackled mercilessly to the ground.

"AIEE," she shrieked, wriggling underneath her pouncer. "GET OFF MEEEE!"

"TOASTIES!" Sirius shouted, grabbing Miss Evans and slinging her over one shoulder before running off to the dungeons. He followed his nose to the toast, Lily's cries echoing down the halls.

---

"HELLO?" Remus called for the fiftieth time in the past seven minutes. "IS ANYONE THERE? ...PLEASE?" Remus let out a small whimper, then added desperately, "I really have to use the bathroom!"

---

Expect the next chapter soon. :D

Please REVIEW! ...Tell me what you think of my insanity!


	8. You Meddling Kids

A/N:

Sorry this took so long, but the homecoming dance was last night. A big thanks to all who reviewed the last few chapters!

Hmm. My tooth hurts and I have a fever.

But I guess your not here to hear me bitch. So enjoy the last chapter!

-faints-

Cheers,

H.D.D.

---

Remus frantically rolled back and forth, trying to loosen his ropes. As he flexed his muscles, he felt his bounds give. Suddenly, with hulk-like strength, he broke free, snapping the ropes. Laughing maniacally, he pulled the rope away and tossed it across the hall, running after and stomping up and down on it.

"Take that! AHAH!" He gave a half-crazed grin, stopping to kick the rope away. He threw his arms up into the air. "FEAR ME! I AM REMUS LUPIN! GOD OF KILLING ROPE!"

And with that, he walked on down the hall.

---

"Yessss," the elf said as Sirius entered the dungeon, hauling a distraught Miss Evans with him. "Goood. Yousss getsss nice applesss now."

Sirius let out a yip, running in excited circles. The elf threw an apple over to him, which he caught in mid-air. From across the room, James shook his head, releasing a tired sigh that was stifled by the gag. The elf edged towards Lily as Sirius devoured the apple.

"Now, time to finish nasssty redsie!" It raised one hand, just as Sirius yipped loudly. The elf looked over at him. "What?!"

Sirius nodded towards an apple core, turning side to side anxiously and barking again.

"What, what, dog boy?" the elf asked impatiently. "Yousss wants more nice applesss?"

Dog boy shook his head with an urgent yelp. After a moment, the elf nodded. "Toasties then?"

Sirius gave a smile, yipping and pacing back and forth. The elf waved its hand, and a stack of toast appeared. Sirius sniffed it, wrinkling his nose and backing away. "Ruff!"

The elf glared at him. "What?"

"Ruff!"

"Very well..." It snapped its fingers and another stack of toast replaced the previous one, appearing on a plate.

"Arf!" Sirius said, rushing forward and stuffing his mouth with crunchy, toasted goodness.

---

There are many types of forks. Some you use to lay out straw. Another you eat with, (combine that one with a spoon and you get the hybrid 'spork,' but that is an entirely different matter). One other kind of fork is the one the devil deems fashionable. This leaves the type that can be found in the road, or, for example, the halls of Hogwarts.

Remus Lupin stood at a fork in the corridor. To the right, there was the hall leading to Gryffindor tower, and, possibly, a stop to all this insanity. To the left, there was a dark, creepy looking hallway lined with suits of armor. Remus's fear of armor was nothing new. It stretched back to his first year when he had agreed to help a prefect remove the caroling charms from the suits of armor outside the great hall, and instead brought it to life. By now, you could say, he was properly scarred for life.

Remus looked down each hall, weighing his chances. He could have sworn he'd heard Lily screaming earlier down this way, and chances were that she wouldn't be safe in her dorm by now, especially if Sirius was looking for her. Sighing loudly, he shook his head and headed down the left fork.

---

The elf looked up towards the dungeon door, then down to Sirius. "Dog boy! Someone comessss.... Go stand watchesss like good dog, and yous getss more nice toasties and applesss."

Sirius barked his consent before padding outside to keep guard.

---

Remus felt more than uneasy as he travelled down the hall. At every creak, he whirled around, expecting those yellow eyes to be watching him. Why, _oh why_, did these things happen to him? Why couldn't he be some oblivious, normal muggle living blissfully in the land of happiness, rainbows, and chocolate? Surely it had to exist somewhere other than his dreams. He pondered on this as he continued down the hall.

CLANK.

Remus slowed, straining his ears.

CLANK.

He jumped three feet into the air, turning only to see... nothing there? He frowned, squinting into the darkness. "Hello?"

CLANK.

Remus whimpered, looking over his shoulder. There stood the Black Knight. "Oh not again!"

The knight stepped forward and Remus tossed up his arms running past the armor. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

---

Sirius looked up, cocking his head to one side. CLANK CLANK CLANK echoed through the halls. Before he could even react, a screaming Remus ran past and into the dungeon, followed closely by the Black Knight. The knight crashed through the wall.

The elf, who had been planning what to do with redsie, began to screech. "WHAT ISSS HAPPENING?"

Sirius ran in, yelping loudly and chasing after Remus. He caught the edge of his friend's cloak, tugging at it. Remus tripped over his feet, falling to the ground with a shout. The knight ran towards the elf.

"STOPSS IT! STOPSS IT!" the elf yelled, running from the knight, who was gaining.

From the corner, James watched as Remus struggled to get his cloak back from Sirius mouth and as the elf ran in circles around the room, trying to escape the suit of armor. Lily stood, brushing herself off as she stood and walked over to James.

"So..." she said. "Anything new?"

"MMPH!!!" James shouted against the gag.

"Oh... right. You can't talk with that in your mouth." She watched the elf and knight pass by.

"Mmmph?"

"No, I rather think it's better with it in."

James glared.

"SIRIUS! GIVE ME MY CLOAK NOW!" Remus demanded of Sirius, who only growled, clenching his teeth around the cloth. He swatted at his friend's nose. "NO! Bad dog!"

Sirius whimpered, but Remus only swatted again. "GET! GET!"

Sirius back up, running into the elf and causing a domino disaster.

"AHH! BLASSST YOU MEDDLING KIDSSSS AND YOUR DOG TOOOOO," the elf screamed, tripping under the knight. The knight toppled over on top of the elf, squashing him with ease.

Sirius and Remus froze, while Lily edged forward. "Is it...?"

Remus frowned, bending over to look at the knight. "I don't know."

Sirius nudged the knight, kicking it over. Nothing was underneath. He frowned. "No more toasties."

"Where did it go?" Lily asked.

Remus shrugged. "Maybe that's what happens when elves die... they disappear."

"I guess it's over then."

"I should say so!" called a stern voice at the door. All heads turned, catching sight of Professor McGonagall in her blue nightgown. "I never imagined in all my years! Four students out of bed, running around the castle!" She looked closely at James. "And performing... _questionable_ acts! Fifty points and detention for all of you! Now, Mr. Lupin, if you'd kindly untie Mr. Potter."

Remus nodded, bowing his head in defeat. He untied the ropes and removed James's gag.

"Honestly, Miss Evans! I expected better from you!"

---

The next night, Lily, James, Remus, and Sirius all headed down to the muggle studies classroom, where they were to spend their detention cleaning the chalk boards, used only by the muggleborn professor, without magic. Lily refused to talk the entire time, while James constantly shot odd, nervous looks over his shoulder. Remus sighed, scrubbing at his own board. His arm ached, and he was hungry. Part of their detention had been having to miss dinner. He looked over at Sirius, knowing how badly Sirius took missing a meal. But Sirius didn't seem to be suffering at all. In fact, there was a crunching sound coming from his general direction.

"Sirius?"

CRUNCH.

Everyone paused, turning towards him. In Sirius's hand, there was a bright red apple. Remus's eyes widened in horror. "W-Where did you get that?"

Sirius shrugged, tossing the core over his shoulder. "It just appeared."

Suddenly, an apple rolled over, stopping at Sirius's feet. With a grin, Sirius picked it up, sinking his teeth into the skin. "Mmmm."

Lily, James, and Remus all exchanged looks before running out of the room.

Sirius looked around and shrugged. "Oh well... more for me. Right?"

From the corner of the room, two yellow eyes bobbed up and down. "Yesssss."

---

The end! Hee!

And for the record, I finished this at exactly 11:58, so I did meet the year deadline! :D

Look for the companion of this. Another rp done by Katrina and myself... The Marauder Stalkers. Good ol' stalking fun!

Don't forget to review... I love to hear what you think!


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